The Crew

Sometimes when I get to a new website I find myself asking, “What the hell is the point of this site?”  That’s why I bring people to this page.  In a nutshell, Garagetopia is the perfect place for you to waste a lot of time and learn about funny shit, life lessons, interesting facts (that make you smarter), and share important opinions about the stuff that will never come up in an election.  Garagetopia is a place to chill and be chill.  <<That’s the short answer.  The long answer lies below:

BIOs

by Dirty Jack

Dirty Jack

My name is Dirty Jack. I’ve been saying stupid shit for so long, I’ve just gotten used to the name.  I can’t tell you how many times the conversations ended with the girl calling me “asshole”, “jackass”, “jerk-off”…

There aren’t a whole lot of mysteries about me.  I learned a long time ago from a guy I used to work with that everything has another side to it.  Everyone has an ulterior motive.  There is usually some type of conspiracy behind everything the politicians say, and some level of deceit behind what the pastor tells you.  Most all of it just leads back to the same few basic concepts — greed, sex, and lies.

I’m not bitter about it.  I’ve just learned to accept it and you should too.  As soon as you do, we can all get along and just call a spade a spade and a mexican a mexican.  Really, the only thing that ever pisses me off is when people intentionally or subconsciously lie about their motives.  Some people mean you harm, but some people are just plain stoopid.

A while back, I was in my garage sittin’ on an old couch when I realized that the place I really feel most at home is in that very garage.  When boys are in the garage is when some of the best and worst things are said and done.  My two friends Charles and Rizzo are as different from me and each other as any people could ever be.  However, when we are in the Garagetopia together is when the problems of the entire world become clear and easily solved.

One day I realized that Garagetopia is a utopian place where prescriptions for the betterment of the entire human race are written. That’s when I decided it needed to be shared with the masses.  Take this site with a grain of salt, but realize that if you are sitting in your underwear right now reading this, a lot of it is probably about YOU. So, quit pretending to be a pre-teen girl in a chat room and seek some serious professional help, man!

Favorite Team: Boston Bruins

Favorite Book: The Outsiders

Favorite Movie: Pulp Fiction

Rizzo

Rizzo is the scientist, the researcher, the philosopher, the teacher, and the free thinker.  Rizzo’s basic function in life is to argue with me.  If I like the Bruins, he likes Montreal. (don’t worry, nobody actually likes Canadien Hockey, it’s just theoretical).  If I like girls, he likes…  …computers.

I’m not saying Rizzo is gay or anything.  I just haven’t ever seen him with a girl.  I think he pretty much remains undeclared.  Charles messes with him sometimes about it, but I got a theory on Rizzo.  He is an intense guy.  Once you get to know him, you will realize he is overboard about a lot of shit.  I think once he finally turns 40 and hits puberty, he’ll be giving the pipe fitters union a run for the money.

I’ve known Rizzo since the third grade.  I don’t think Rizzo is his real name, but come the think of it, I don’t actually know his real name.  Even Rizzo’s mom calls him Rizzo.  Nobody really knows where he got the nickname, he just always had it.  I saw a couple kids try once, in the forth grade, try to give Rizzo a new nickname.  They started calling him “Runto”.  Rizzo was always a little smaller than everyone else, but truth is, once you get him punching, it’s hard to get him to stop.  Those two kids got the ass-beating of a life time and it took me and two other kids to slow Rizzo down.  After that day, nobody ever messed with Rizzo again.  I’m talking all the way through High School.  Everyone I knew had heard the story about what happens when you mess with Rizzo.

In general, Rizzo is a chill guy.  He can talk intelligently about almost every subject you can think of, and he is a master debater (I know what you’re thinkin’).  Rizzo doesn’t always have every answer, but he is the guy that can identify and discuss the theory behind almost anything.  What can I say — he’s Rizzo.

Favorite Movie: Mystery Alaska

Favorite Book: A Treatise on Human Nature, Hume

Favorite Team: Chicago Fire

Charles

Charles is the actual genius.  He has a degree in Mechanical Engineering from a top ten university, and a Masters in something I can’t even spell.  He works for a government contractor doing something that no human being understands.  He has tried to explain it over 100 times and I still don’t know what the hell he does.

Charles can be a little mysterious at times with the way he looks vs. the way he acts vs. the way he talks.  He’s a regular walking cluster-fuck.  At first glance, he looks like a real meat head.  He looks exactly like that guy that made you do that one thing that one time when you were drunk…  (you know what I’m talking about).  Except, when you get him talking, you quickly realize that Charles is chill and relaxed, and he has a square grip on reality.  The best way to describe him is he is well adjusted.

Have you ever met a high ranking official in the military?  You ever notice how they seem unbelievably calm, cool, and collected?  It’s almost like the more terror and mayhem on your plate, the more civilian life is easy to deal with.  It’s like they have to be so intense when they are working, that they go the complete opposite direction when they are not working.  That’s Charles.  Rizzo and I have a hunch that at some point in the process of whatever the hell Charles does, he kills people.  I’m 110% sure that he is one of the good guys, but I think something he does for that government contractor causes him to be overly chill when he isn’t working.  Just a hunch.

Charles comes off as a real tough guy (and he is) but his true identity is a sci-fi watchin’ cartoon geek.  He knows detailed shit about episodes of shows that nobody even remembers.  If you are ever looking for the hook-up on an old show, he’s the guy.  Charles and Rizzo get arguing sometimes about the plots and outcomes of TV shows like Max Headroom, Quantum Leap, and V.  That’s when they lose me and I usually get up to find a drink.

The last thing the you need to know about Charles is he’s a storyteller.  Don’t get sucked in.  Charles has a 1000 stories floating around his giant head.  He loves to entertain people with his embellished tales of who knows what.  Usually you find yourself sucked in saying “no way” in your mind.  Sometimes the damn thing will end with a punch line and you realize you just wasted 5 minutes of your life.  Either way, Charles loves to tell a good story.

Favorite Team: A-Team

Favorite Book: Foundation, Asimov

Favorite Movie: Max Headroom, 20 Minutes into the Future