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Issue 1: Nutrition

The only nutrition a child ever really needs is a flintstone vitamin taken once a day for about a week, and then, when mom’s not looking, the kid should eat the entire rest of the bottle at his/her leisure. It won’t kill them. I’m pretty sure you should repeat this procedure 1 time every three years throughout the child’s development.

Forget organic crackers and heart healthy cereal. Encourage your kids to eat grass, dirt, chocolate, candy (off the floor), and whatever the hell else they want. I’ve had enough with this race of anti-bacterial kids that we are creating as our legacy.  These anti-bacterial solutions that are going to eventually weaken our entire race and eliminate us. I eat everything I have ever dropped on the floor! I drink out of the milk carton. I wash my hands only sometimes after I pee, but that’s for your sake, not mine.

I am a disgusting human being that never gets sick, so suck it! These parents today act like they don’t even remember the filth and slime we all grew up on. I came from a family that was too poor to afford skool lunch and too prideful to get it for free. Yet, I dreamed daily of the upgrade to a steaming hot tray of skool lunch. When you are a kid, lunch is the big meal of the day. We ate crap that came from cans and was slopped on a plate by hairy women. I looked forward to the rare opportunity I had to eat skool lunch. Nothing excited me more than mystery poo for dessert. You know what the hell I’m talking about.

Issue 2: Discipline

It only took once or twice of getting hit on the ass to figure out I shouldn’t talk back to my mother. The beautiful thing about sharp painful discipline, is that it is universal and effective. Whether you are a dog or a child, old or young, chinese or mexican, pain equals don’t do it again. I don’t advocate abuse. BUT, I definitely don’t advocate high strung women walking around telling me that a much needed spanking is abuse.

God built-in two giant pillows made from the finest bio-gel protection money can’t buy into every naughty little child in america. The beautiful thing about it is– the butt is genetically engineered to fit the hand of every father figure enraged by disobedience. Sure, you can try the other way that you read about in your book, but don’t complain to us later when your recently gay son wants to bring Lance to your non-denominational Christmas Eve Celebration.

Issue 3: Doing things.

What is “doing things”?

When I was a kid, we could do anything. Kids used to be capable. If my friends and I decided to build a treehouse, we didn’t sit and whine till dad built us one. We just built the treehouse.

It wasn’t prefabricated from costco, and it was completely unsafe. The kid that fell out of it and broke his collar bone grew up to be tough as nails.  He doesn’t get pedicures, and he doesn’t report his neighbors for being too loud.

I don’t think I ever played video games growing up except when it was appropriate. What that means is, you only play a video game when there is nothing else in the world to do because all your friends are doing it.  Even then, it involves some form of spitting and punching during games.

Doing stuff means kicking ass and taking names.  It means having the drive to fight, compete, and accomplish. I remember watching my best friend dive shirtless across the asphalt to stop a goal in a street hockey game. Helping your buddy peel off the worlds largest scab is a hell of a lot more important in life than passing every level of Modern Warfare on your xbox 360.

I played night games. I snuck out of the house. I built jumps. I threw things out of moving cars. I tried to rollerblade backwards down stairs. I jumped over a car on my bike. I took radios apart. I got in fights. ( a lot of fights ) I shaved my head. I shave my friend’s head. I tried to build rockets. I built my share of pipe bombs.

The point is, I did stuff. I worry about people who go through life never doing things. Don’t be one of those people who raise their kids to have no guts and no glory….and quit trying to put the damn anti-bacterial solution on them every time they get a little dirty.  -Jack out.

Cheers,

Dirty Jack

Ps.  Try it out.  If you don’t like it, I’ll give you your money back. (it’s free)

The bike is red because red, well, won’t show blood.  I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered to make me his son but I thought that was sissy crap so I said no way.

The bike has some mismatched parts, but that just shows how hard-core you are. Everyone knows different parts on a bike means that you probably know how to work on it and chicks love dude that swing a big wrench. The parts could all be re-painted, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a no-balls lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

I’ve topped out at 75 mph on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 mph. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 1 speed.  Yeah, that’s right.  One gear, and nothing more.  If that messes with your mind, then this isn’t for you.  You should go back to the main page and find yourself a nice bicycle built for two.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a kick-stand.  I welded that thing right on there because I don’t ever want anybody taking it off.  If that’s a deal breaker –then YOU lack self confidence.  Real men don’t lay their bikes down.  You treat it like a beautiful woman.  You keep it clean and pretty and you ride it hard.

This isn’t a mountain bike or one of those weird skinny wheel bikes.  It’s got street tires on it that look like they came straight out of the Daytona 500.  The grips are worn.  If I were you I would snag this sweet ride and just rip’em off.  Put some duct tape on the handle bars and ride.

Bike is for $100 but on second thought, I don’t think I even want to sell it.  I don’t need your money as much as you probably need honor.  If you want this bike, write me a comment below and I’ll consider your plea.

I just might arm wrestle the winner for the bike.

Cheers,

Dirty Jack

I ride this bike everyday. Not for fun or sport like the spandex boys, but to hunt and kill food. I know for a fact that this bike will jump over canyons, climb trees, kill bears, and forge rivers. The bike has ridden every part of the Wasatch from top to bottom. This bike won’t break. It’s half carbon fiber and half bad-ass. Some guy told me this bike is a piece of history. Turns out this is the same effing bike that Davy Crockett road right into the Alamo.

The bike says K2 pro-flex 4000 on the side of it. I don’t know what that means. It probably means it can kill an elephant. The bike is red, so the blood won’t show on it. The tires are knobby so you can pedal straight up a cliff. It has shocks on the front and the back for when you jump off the cliff.  I once used it to save a nest of baby birds.  I shifted into second and road straight up a tree.  I saved those tiny birds in that nest…..  I saved them for myself.  I ate every last one of them including the nest.

The stuff on it all says “Shimano XT”. I’m pretty sure that is because it was cursed once by an indian medicine man named Shimano. The guy was a jack-ass. He tried to steal some of my stuff so I bit off his left ear.

The bike has a chain that I use to kill rattle snakes sometimes. It also has a seat. I don’t use it, but you probably will for the first few years until you build up the muscle.  I took of the seat and post and I ride it standing up everywhere go.

I also installed a shotgun holder on the bike that conveniently fits a water bottle.

If you have questions about the bike, don’t bother calling me. If you don’t understand how tough the bike is, I probably won’t be able to help you.

If you want to buy the bike, then I will take american cash. I need to send some money to a very important man who emailed me from nigeria so I need the cash quick.